Two weeks ago, I spent 6 days on the Greek island Kythira with Gloria Latham doing a kundalini yoga retreat. (If you haven’t done one of her classes in Vancouver, check out this 4 min start to your day or 6 min set to see what our practices were like.)
One of the things she opened the retreat with was an invitation to us all to take care of ourselves – to use this time to get really clear of how we treat ourselves and how we want to treat ourselves going forward.
She then invited us to consider that we are in an abusive relationship with ourselves.
Whoa.
That caught me off guard.
I often hear the use of “abusive relationship” in the context of domestic violence – so hearing it used in reference to how I am with myself was both triggering and jarring. Take a few deep breaths if you’re like me and needed some time to just sit with that right now.
Instead of deflecting or defending myself (“I’m not that way.” “This doesn’t apply to me” “My life is pretty darn good, so I don’t have to worry about this.”), one habit I’ve created when confronting challenging declarations is to consider how it is true versus if it is true. (“How am I in an abusive relationship with myself” versus “am I in an abusive relationship with myself”) Hat tip to Rachel for that practice!
So I listened as a beginner and sat with that. How am I cruel, disrespectful, derogatory, or violent with myself?
And the answers came…
My sleep hours have been deteriorating over the past two months, and I’ve demanded higher performance of myself when I’m awake. Less time to recharge with more stress on the system.
My workouts and time on my yoga mat were inconsistent and uninspiring. I was hosting spaces for others to come to their mat more than I was for myself.
I’d set a deadline for myself to get something done, miss it, and think nothing of it because it didn’t impact anyone else, no one said anything about it, and I knew I could do it before it was “really due.” Such a lack of integrity with my word to myself.
And I’d look in the mirror and judge my “summer bod.” No six pack. No shirtless yoga pics to post on instagram. And the words I’d use to describe what I saw were far from kind.
The more I searched, the more I could see it.
The more I could see it, the more committed I was to do something about it.
Awareness is always the precursor to transformation.
To revolutionize the trust and belief I have in myself, my focus for the next 40 days is to create a morning ritual of a cold shower, followed by 11 minutes of Sat Kriya, and then writing a few lines in a journal of what is coming up for me. (I am on day 13 of this at the time of writing and, holy heck, after sitting for 11 minutes with my arms above my head, I am jumping up to go take on the day – as any movement feels like total freedom. 11 minutes is also a lot of time to be with a mantra and myself … so getting clear on my inner dialogue and what it says to me when I want to give up / stop / not do the work in the first place.)
I host a lot of spaces for others to do their work and this summer I committed to being a student again so that I could do my work. Not to “fill up my cup,” but rather to increase the capacity of my cup. To deepen my own practice. To remove another layer. To let a little bit more light into the dark.
September – a beautiful time to be a student. (Heck, you can join this or this to be a student too!)
September – I’m all in!
